Jokes From the Cave

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

Aircraft Maintenance

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about the problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions recorded (marked with a “S”) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightening in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogramming target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Our Next Receptionist

(NOTE: For Adults Only)

Deer Sir,

I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode.I love speaking on the telefone and because of that I do talk to my frends on it for about houers a day.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.I have a small problem from wen I was born (I have a funnie culor hair), but find that I offen get a job no problem, so you can pay me what you theenk that I am werth,

Thank you in idvance fore yore anser.

Yore best aplicant so farr

BS : Because my resime is a bit short below is a picksure of me taken at my last jobb.


receptionist.jpg

Calling In Sick

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

Updates to Employee Manual

SORRY, BUT THE ECONOMY IS TOUGH AND WE ALL MUST DO OUR PART!!

Updated Employee Handbook Effective immediately....

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially; and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes; and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Cannibals in the Workplace

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool... For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!"