Notes From the Cave

Politics . . . The latest health scare

I think I am beginning to overdose on the political environment. It has done nothing but increase my heartburn and blood pressure. Well, I am guessing on the blood pressure based on the fact that on any given occasion while watching anything remotely political I can feel my heartbeat in my tailbone. This only makes me realize what kind of a pain this has actually become.

But alas, I’ll be sitting in front of the television tomorrow like most of my political junkie friends watching the debate between the Vice Presidential candidates going through my normal routine of loud yelling and obscene gestures, even though I know I shouldn’t. They can’t hear me, but I don’t care. All I usually accomplish with this behavior is scaring my dog Buddie into the other room where he stays until he hears the television being shut off. But somehow, I am reassured by this newfound ritual and take solace in the fact that I feel like I have voiced my opinion. Because honestly, what information do we really get from all of this analyzing and scrutinizing? Well, except for the aforementioned pain in the tailbone.

Since the last debate I have been wondering why I do this to myself, and my “self” answered. “It is your deep seated desire to see Dick Cheney rip John Edwards to shreds” is what my “self” said to me. Not because I dislike John Edwards, I actually thought him to be one of the better candidates in the primary. No, not because I dislike him, but because he’s not on my side. Every once in a while my “self” makes me stop and think about what I think. And what I’ve come to think is that we have had a couple hundred years or so to work this all out and still haven’t got a clue. Our very own political system (notice the deliberate avoidance of the use of the word government) forces us to take sides. The very process we use creates the divisions between us. I don’t think that is what our forefathers had in mind.

So here is my suggestion. Turn off the television after the debate, don’t visit any political websites and don’t listen to the analysts. If you really want to watch television, watch Whose Line Is It Anyway or TV Land, laugh and enjoy your evening. Make up your own mind without the help of the media moguls. Because no matter how much we investigate, no matter how much we read and prepare ourselves to make the best decision we can make, there are still those in our country who choose the candidate to vote for based on appearance, or the way he walks, or looks, or enters a porta-potty at a beer garden on Friday night.

So when it’s all said and done, if we stop letting the media dictate how and when we do our decision making, we will all be a little better off. And maybe, just maybe, my dog Buddie will actually stay in the same room with me while I’m watching the debates.

I can dream can’t I?

Enough Already!

I think I have figured out the rash of bad storms we have had in Florida for the past month and a half.

It’s the conspiracy of the Democratic Party to substantiate their claims of election tampering in Florida.
They have developed a hurricane creation machine to battle the loss of the 2000 election that will vindicate what they have been whining about for the last four years, and created a situation in Florida that couldn’t possibly stand up to the scrutinization they are already imposing on us.
They even enlisted the elder party Statesman Jimmy Carter to bash the states election process, before it begins.
I believe they have utilized the monetary resources of Ted Kennedy (they had to bribe him with the threat of disclosure) combined those with the Heinz (I had to look at my ketchup bottle to spell that) fortune, then added the salaries of all the former Democratic senators since 1800 to secretly work with NASA to develop the Democratic hurricane machine which went into testing on August 13th of this year. (anyone notice the “th” on 13th?)
Problem was, as in all Democratic policies, they weren’t quite sure what it would do or how to handle the effects, but they thought it would be a really good idea. (You can see illustrations of this if you follow the Kerry campaign from day to day.)
The problem only surfaced though, when they unleashed their wealth of knowledge and found they couldn’t control it. It kept producing damaging storm after damaging storm. (what conservatives refer to as liberalism)
Meanwhile, in the background, John Kerry is turning orange with envy because he didn’t come up with the plan. Maybe that’s green with envy, I’m not sure. My brain has been without air conditioning for quite some time now.
But I digress.
What I really mean to say is . . . Democrats give it a rest! The state of Florida has just gone through the worst documented hurricane season of any state since 1886 . . . and it’s not over yet! Do you really need to politicize the state of Florida right now? Do you think that is actually going to help you win an election?

Now some of you may have read those first paragraphs and thought to yourselves; “wow, this guy is an insensitive jerk!” But . . . before you condemn me, understand this. I was going through the hurricanes just as all my neighbors were, and I have nothing but compassion for the loss of my fellow Floridians. I Have called the Red Cross’s 1-800 HELP NOW several times to contribute and will most undoubtedly do it again. I have helped my neighbors clean up the mess several times, and will continue to help them again. Personally, I have been lucky in the sense that I have only had to deal with a loss of electricity and water. My dog, Buddie, will attest to the water thing, as he has only just begun to sleep in the same room with me again.

But my point is this. If the Democratic party can continue to beat on the state of Florida at a time such as this . . .

Do we really want to be governed by them?

Political Humor in Pictures

Check out the following political satire I just received from a friend. If these don't make you laugh, then nothing will.

Also, please note that I believe in equal opportunity; so I have included pictures that abuse both the Bush and Kerry campaigns.

A Politician's Dilemma

While walking down the street one day a senator is accidentally hit by one of his constituent's truck and dies.

Due to some administrative mix-up his soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the now former senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.."

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is the club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in expensive dress.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly, attractive, blonde girl who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I thought I would never say it; I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil, who now looks like his mother-in-law, comes over to him and lays a scorching hot arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

The Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.' The robot then said...

'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?'

Outsourcing Congress

Washington - Citing the growing cost of running the Federal government and the need to cut costs in order to reduce the budget deficit, President Bush announced today that he was laying off all 535 members of Congress and transferring lawmaking operations to a legislative support center in Bangalore, India. "Hey, outsourcing is the way to go these days," said Bush at an impromptu news conference where he announced the decision, adding, "the American people want to see less government waste. Since every one of those ex-Congressmen had a salary of $150,000, this move will cut our costs by over $80 million per year, and that's not even counting what we'll save on health insurance and retirement plans." Sources indicate that the Indian replacements will be paid approximately $250 per month.